Hello, Darlings.
I'm going to tell you a story.
A story about a girl named Alice.
A wonderful girl as you well know.
There were songs written about her!

There must be a word about Alice
As unique as a Queen in a palace.
So chic that she sleeps between white silken sheets
that cover the bareness of Alice.

Oh, what is it about Alice
that drives us miles and miles to see
and to be so sad and to moan when she is not home?
Oh, where, oh where can she be?

I received word (ring, ring. Hello?)
from my brother, Howard (She's gone!)
late one dreary afternoon,
that Alice, dear Alice, had moved away.
Where or how I'll never know, this was quite a blow.
So, wherever I went, yes, wherever I would go
I would ask, "Has anybody seen Alice's Ass?" (Big Fat Ass)

Well, one day after months of dismay
I went to the home where Alice did lay (Screech, Skid)
And there I did find to my surprise
that what I had heard had been a lie. (Oh!)
For Alice, dear Alice, I'm happy to say
never did leave us, never did go away.
And from this day it became very clear (Boing!)
never to believe all that you hear.
For safe and sound Alice was found
Safe beneath the sheets where she sleeps.

And to think I spent all those years living without Alice.
Those Bastards, I'll never listen to another word they have to say. It was a joke and the joke was on me!